Do not ask me. 

Do not ask me what the worst thing I’ve seen is. Do not ask me what I’ve been through. Do not ask me if I’ve saved a life and do not ask me if I’ve lost someone. 
Do not ask me if I remember it. Do not ask me if I still think of them. Do not ask me how I still smile or how I can still laugh.
By asking me about the worst thing I’ve seen, you’re asking me to mentally relive the horror I’ve been through. You’re asking me to rethink the days and nights I wish to forget. You’re asking me to tell you in detail about things that I can barely handle thinking about. You’re asking me to explain what I’ve seen and how I felt so that you can say you understand.. when you really don’t.  You never will. 
Do not ask me.

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It’s not okay; It’ll never be okay.

It’s not okay; It’ll never be okay.   Most everyone knows first responders see some pretty messed up stuff; that’s a given. Most know that they leave their families to go try to save a stranger (in hopes that they’re not too late), but it’s what they bring back home with them, that so many […]

It’s not okay; It’ll never be okay.

 

Most everyone knows first responders see some pretty messed up stuff; that’s a given. Most know that they leave their families to go try to save a stranger (in hopes that they’re not too late), but it’s what they bring back home with them, that so many people are oblivious about.

 

It’s obvious that first responders must go through some tough crap on calls. It’s not just about seeing dead bodies, or not being able to save the ones that are too far passed gone.

 

It’s so much more than that.

 

It’s watching a teenager cry because he knows he just killed his best friend because he was driving drunk. It’s watching an elderly woman try to wake up her husband of 56 years, knowing he’s not coming back. It’s holding a little 2-year-old on the side of the road at 2 o’clock in the morning while other’s strap his father on a stretcher. It’s hearing a mother begging her child that just committed suicide to wake up, promising it’ll be okay.

 

It’s not okay.

It will never be okay.

 

First responders seem to shake it off fairly well, right? They smile daily and talk as if nothing bothers them. Don’t get me wrong, some are tougher than others, but it’s always there.

 

The lights. The sirens. The screams. The cries. The begs. The pleads. The calls for the coroner other their radios. The ones they save, the one they didn’t. Everything is still there with them. When they come home from each call, everything doesn’t just magically go away. It replays in their head over. And over. And over. They do whatever they can to forget about it. No matter what they do, they will never be the same. It will always be with them until the day they die.